5 reasons your wife will stab you

Ok so firstly, I’m not actually married but we might as well be and it’s only because I’m too tight to pay for a wedding that we aren’t (Romantic eh??). I suspect this post is applicable to all types of partner, it’s just easier saying wife in the title. I’m primarily focusing on the 0-6 month stage of having a child. If you haven’t got a child and your wife is threatening to stab you, please don’t read this for advice, phone the police. This period is key, it’s when sleep deprivation is at its worst and I felt my OH was most likely to twat me around the head with something heavy. Effy is 8 months now so I hope I’m over the worst or have at least learned from my mistakes.

1, Pretending you didn’t hear your baby cry – There has actually been occasions when I have not heard any noise, I’m a strange sleeper, I basically lie like a corpse and breath so quiet my OH often thinks I’m dead. However pretending not to hear is a very risky game. You might think this is a clever idea to try and get some extra zzz’s…..it’s really not, your OH will know, she’ll sense it, she’ll smell the lie and kick you so hard, that you’ll think your calf has been blown up.

2, Asking her what’s for tea – So I stroll in from work, get a huge smile from Effy, chuck my bag down and ask what’s for tea. What I failed to do is look at my OH, she’s still in her pyjamas, her hair hasn’t been brushed, I’m fairly certain she hasn’t showered and she might as well have ‘stressed’ written on her forehead. She informs me that she’s barely had time to even lick a Jaffa cake and our beautiful smiling daughter has acted like the devil child. All while I’ve sat at work, had a baguette for lunch, with at least 3 cups of hot but slightly ropey machine coffee.

3, Describing their maternity as a holiday – when I used to take holidays from work; I’d play on my PlayStation, get out on my bike, go the gym and drink some beer. A whole year of doing this would be amazing; I’d be a Fifa pro and be in amazing shape. So when my OH’s maternity started I was super jealous of how good she was going to get at Fifa. 8 months later, she’s still hates fifa and apparently looking after a baby is hard work. My OH does a very similar job to me, so she knows what I do. I work in an office, I sit in meetings, talk to loads of different people and type shit into forms. At no point in my day do I get covered in shit, walk miles attempting to get a baby to sleep, entertain a crying baby who won’t sleep or feed a baby who only wants to put food in their eyes…….you get the picture, its not a holiday, its hard graft.

4, Making any noise when coming home from a night out – I’ll be clear, my nights out are rare and very different now; I go to the local pub, have a few pints of ale, talk about babies with my mates and I’m usually home before Match of The Day has finished. I return home and I know both my OH and Effy will be asleep, I enter the house in absolute stealth mode, barely registering a noise and making every effort to ensure I don’t wake Effy………….apparently not………..I enter the house like I’m a 1 man band, slam the front door, go and see Effy with my ale breath and tell my OH some crap story about how one of the lads won a football accumulator. So in future, after a night out, I’m going to sleep in the bush in my front garden. I suggest you do the same.

5, Forgetting to put the changing bag in the car – I’m pretty shit at organising myself never mind a baby. So when it comes to the military operation that is leaving the house, I’m prone to errors. Leaving the changing bag on the kitchen table was an error too far. For those with babies, you’ll know how important the changing bag becomes, not just to deal with the shits but food, change of clothes, toys, a whole pharmacy, 25 bibs and 8 muslin cloths. I’d packed the bag with all the essentials, got distracted and left the house without the bag (I’d also packed myself a Mars bar, so I was devastated). The fact I’d brought Malcolm the Monkey didn’t soften the blow in any way. Given that Malcolm was actually on top of the bag, this made my error even more ridiculous. A short but silent drive home, corrected the error and I was reunited with my Mars Bar.

Dont leave the house with just Malcolm the monkey




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20 thoughts on “5 reasons your wife will stab you”

  1. Brilliant post, this should be given out in antenatal classes to all the dads to be. I think Mr TH only once jokingly suggested maternity leave was like a holiday and it was the first and last time he dared, but he has done the pretending not to hear too many times (not that I have ever done it 😉 )

  2. You are a very clever and observant man – probably why you haven’t (quite) been stabbed so far! Keep up the good work! #BloggerClubUK

    1. Thank you. You quite possibly the 1st person ever to call me clever. Even my own Mam thinks I’m academically average.

  3. My husband is a very deep sleeper, and it drives me mad! At least he never referred to maternity leave as a holiday though, and I always make sure we have everything we need before heading out the front door! #BloggerClubUK

  4. Oh yes the post lived up to it’s title! I’ve been looking forward to reading this. All of these would be very dangerous indeed. Leaving the nappy bag behind is definitely the worst of all! Asking what’s for tea could get a person killed! Thanks so much for linking up with #bloggerclubuk

    1. Thank you, I admit the title is slightly extreme. I have now been taken off nappy bag responsibility, I simply cant be trusted.

    1. thank you, the mat leave as a holiday thing has actually become a bit of an on going joke for me and my OH. I still sleep with 1 eye open but I think she’s relaxing slightly.

  5. hahahah! I think I came close to stabbing my husband for some of these reasons XD Very insightful list! #BigPinkLink

  6. This is hilarious! I laughed all the way through. I remember feeling murderous hatred towards my own hubby for so many of these reasons. If it helps, 3 years after our second, I really love him again! 😀 Thanks for linking up! #bigpinklink

  7. Ha ha excellent my husband would agree that never has me been closer to being smashed over the face with an iron than in the first few months of a new baby. The what’s for tea question is still risky now and liable to end in uncooked pasta in his nostril… #bigpinklink

    1. its a risky time, 8 months in I’m still on my guard. Hope your husband has learned or at least bought a helmet.

  8. I can definately relate to this, especially the ‘pretending to be asleep’ point. So much so that I’m pretty sure I still have the stab wounds.. I was useless at sleep acting, my girlfriend would catch on almost immediately!

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