Ok Dad’s so, there is a lot of baby information out there that describes how things should go in the first 12 months. A lot of perfect examples of babies and parents who get everything right and paint a lovely picture. Well I won’t be doing that, I’m going to describe some of the things that people fail to mention. Some of these I’ve covered in other blog posts, but this is a definitive list. Aiming to prepare you for life after your baby is born and giving you some tips about how to survive. I’m aiming for 21, so things may get a bit sketchy towards the end as I run out of ideas;
1, Let start from the beginning, Labour Stinks……I’m not stupid I know what happens when you push, but be prepared, it isn’t pleasant.
2, Babies belly buttons are disgusting….firstly when I cut the cord, I was given arguably the bluntest scissors ever, the midwife might as well of handed me a spoon, instead of the feeling that this was a magical moment, I hacked away like jack the ripper at a strange tubey thing connecting my beautiful new born daughter and OH. A clip is then attached, which basically looks like a paperclip and we are informed this horrible thing stays there until “it’s ready to fall off”. Nappy changes are hard enough without having to negotiate an awkward clip.
3, A new born’s shit is black…doesn’t really smell but it looks like tar……it’s disgusting. It’s apparently normal but if I shit like that, I would be getting myself on embarrassing bodies and letting Dr Christian have a route around.
4, If you have a head wetting, don’t get too drunk because remember you’ve got a newborn baby at home, that will not give a fuck if you’ve got a pounding headache and repeatedly burp Jägermeister.
5, Do your fair share of nappy changes, don’t be a dick and think that your OH should do them all.
6, A new born isn’t as fragile as you think. Effy was 6lb1oz when she was born, I was absolutely terrified of hurting her and really struggled to dress her in fear of breaking her arm. Don’t be daft…..watch how the midwife handles a baby and you’ll realise how tough they actually are.
7, Baby clothes are a nightmare, those stupid popper things will drive you insane.
8, A shit in the bath, is a harrowing experience.
9, Lack of sleep is an absolute killer.
10, Eat…..don’t neglect yourself, you’re no good to anyone if you’re flagging because you’ve not eaten.
11, Take photos but don’t get caught up trying to capture every single detail on film. Sometimes it’s best just to enjoy them for yourself and not through a camera lens.
12, You will be spewed on, shit on and pissed on…….Deal with it.
13, Spend time alone with your baby, not only will it give your OH a break and help you bond with a baby. It will also give you a massive ego boost, because you will suddenly become more attractive to the opposite sex. Obviously I’m not condoning acting on this or using your baby to pull, but it’s always nice to get some attention
14, Google will be your best friend, babies are complicated little buggers and at 5 in the morning, when you need to know the answer to “can babies cry forever??”. Baby books and phoning your mam just wont cut it.
15, 3AM is a lonely time to be awake and attempting to settle a baby, you will feel like time has stood still and the noise of crying will feel like torture, but you will cope and as above, no baby has cried forever.
16, Get used to shit music, every toy plays some sort of shit tune, that will stick in your head like Hanson MMMBop did in 1997 (Yep I googled Hanson MMMbop to check the release date)
17, Expensive baby clothes are a complete waste of money, just buy cheap stuff, it’ll only get shit on and not fit in a few weeks.
18, Teething is garbage, you will just be cracking a good sleep routine and it will fuck things up. There’s nothing you can do to avoid it and there’s no rules about when it happens…..be prepared its shit.
19, Don’t waste money on expensive toys, babies are entertained by almost any light, TV remotes and their own sneezes. Big expensive toys will just take up space in your living room and serve no purpose other than something to stub your toe on.
20, I cant think of any more and I’m tired, so I’ll sick with 19. If you’ve got any ideas, let me know and I’ll steal them to add to the list.