What’s that??


I asked myself this question many times in the first few months of Effy’s life, it was a steep learning curve, here’s some highlights:
– Labour smells, Im not stupid I know what happens when you push, but the concoction of smells in that room was like a festival toilet; I stupidly wore a Lamb’s Wool jumper so can admit to partly contributing to the odour.
– A new born’s shit is black…doesn’t really smell but it looks like tar……it’s disgusting. It’s apparently normal but if I shit like that, I would be getting myself on embarrassing bodies and letting Dr Christian have route around.
– Everyone will tell you the key to success is to “sleep when the baby sleeps”, ok well thanks for that, so Effy is now asleep, you are here visiting…….so fuck off and I’ll have kip. Yeah that’s right, you want a coffee, a Jaffa Cake and for me to re-live the horror of birth for the 5th time today.
– A shit in the bath, is a harrowing experience.
– Much to OH’s disgust I won’t let her put a hair band on Effy, by definition it’s “a band for securing or tying back one’s hair”. She’s got less hair that Karl Pilkington and I’m almost certain he wouldn’t wear a hair band.
– Putting clothes on Effy requires ninja skills. She has the hand speed of Prince Naseen (before he turned fat) and the leg speed of Cristiano Ronaldo, you try putting clothes on someone with these attributes.
– Lack of sleep doesn’t kill you, but it certainly turns me into a twat.
– During nappy changes Effy knows when you aren’t looking and/or prepared and she will do a shit, if she really want to cause havoc, she’ll piss as well. The resulting landslide of sludge has a velocity so strong, it will instantly vacate the changing mat onto the carpet.
– I genuinely believe that without my OH, I would’ve misplaced Effy at least 3 times. She has been an absolute hero over the last few months. She put in a top performance during the birth and 99% of what Effy is turning into, is down to her skills as a mam. At the minute she’s the Leicester City of parents – Flying high, scoring goals and winning against the odds…..I fear I’m the Arsenal – Everyone knows I’ll fuck up at some point.
– I honestly can’t imagine my life without her, my skills on Fifa 16 have taken a nose dive, but seeing her little smile, watching her sleep and feeling her grab my finger, are 3 magical things that I cherish every day. I will do absolutely anything for her, will try my best to make her happy and continue with my mission to keep my mates son’s away from her.

Anyone else had any surprises in the first few months??


16 thoughts on “What’s that??”

  1. Yeah, wanting your guests to do one so you can kip is one of the rights of passage of parenting. Reliving the horror of the birth is sort of fun though, right? Although it might put you off your chocolate Hobnobs…
    Welcome to blogging 🙂
    x Alice

  2. This is BRILLIANT!! I genuinely laughed out loud-not just the ‘lol’ that people put for effect, but actually howled!! I got angrier and angrier with visitors with our first baby, in the end I was actually quite hostile with them (must’ve been the sleep deprivation turning me into a twat part!!) Is that why a lot of mums at baby groups are twats do you think?? I just thought it must’ve been their unfortunate personalities, but I think maybe you’ve made a good point-must be lack of sleep.
    I’m am SO glad you won’t let your daughter wear one of those headbands. I cringe every time I see a baby wearing one, even its not bald, it’s just awful!! You are doing your daughter a massive favour not letting her wear one. My biggest shock was thinking my son had been pissing blood-turns out if they are a little dehydrated, they secrete some kind of red stuff out of their willies-why does nobody prepare you for this??!
    Great post, thanks for sharing with #bigpinklink!

    1. Thank you for your comments, pleased you enjoyed. Tiredness definitely creates twats…..I’ve thankfully got used to lack of sleep now, so my twatness has reduced slightly.

  3. As a Leicester inhabitant (husband is a Leicester City season ticket holder and I’m hanging on to their success like the shallow glory supporter I am), I love this post! My favourite – “lack of sleep turns me into a twat.” Me too. I am too different people with and without sleep – the ‘without’ is a downright bitch. Thanks for sharing #bestandworst

  4. Haha this is very funny and honest! I think I am going to enjoy your posts!! And you ask about our unexpected experiences, well my first ever post “Landing on another planet” pretty much sums it up so have a read if you get a chance!

  5. Oh snap, sleep deprivation does that to me too. Although two and a half years and counting I’m starting to think maybe I am just a twat.

    Thanks for sharing! #chucklemums (and dads!)

  6. Ah yes, sleep deprivation capped off with the force of the infant poonami. Effy is a lovely name 🙂 #chucklemums

    1. Thank you. Haha infant poonami is a great description. Not everyone agrees with name, usually people just say ‘that’s different’.

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