I asked myself this question many times in the first few months of Effy’s life, it was a steep learning curve, here’s some highlights:
– Labour smells, Im not stupid I know what happens when you push, but the concoction of smells in that room was like a festival toilet; I stupidly wore a Lamb’s Wool jumper so can admit to partly contributing to the odour.
– A new born’s shit is black…doesn’t really smell but it looks like tar……it’s disgusting. It’s apparently normal but if I shit like that, I would be getting myself on embarrassing bodies and letting Dr Christian have route around.
– Everyone will tell you the key to success is to “sleep when the baby sleeps”, ok well thanks for that, so Effy is now asleep, you are here visiting…….so fuck off and I’ll have kip. Yeah that’s right, you want a coffee, a Jaffa Cake and for me to re-live the horror of birth for the 5th time today.
– A shit in the bath, is a harrowing experience.
– Much to OH’s disgust I won’t let her put a hair band on Effy, by definition it’s “a band for securing or tying back one’s hair”. She’s got less hair that Karl Pilkington and I’m almost certain he wouldn’t wear a hair band.
– Putting clothes on Effy requires ninja skills. She has the hand speed of Prince Naseen (before he turned fat) and the leg speed of Cristiano Ronaldo, you try putting clothes on someone with these attributes.
– Lack of sleep doesn’t kill you, but it certainly turns me into a twat.
– During nappy changes Effy knows when you aren’t looking and/or prepared and she will do a shit, if she really want to cause havoc, she’ll piss as well. The resulting landslide of sludge has a velocity so strong, it will instantly vacate the changing mat onto the carpet.
– I genuinely believe that without my OH, I would’ve misplaced Effy at least 3 times. She has been an absolute hero over the last few months. She put in a top performance during the birth and 99% of what Effy is turning into, is down to her skills as a mam. At the minute she’s the Leicester City of parents – Flying high, scoring goals and winning against the odds…..I fear I’m the Arsenal – Everyone knows I’ll fuck up at some point.
– I honestly can’t imagine my life without her, my skills on Fifa 16 have taken a nose dive, but seeing her little smile, watching her sleep and feeling her grab my finger, are 3 magical things that I cherish every day. I will do absolutely anything for her, will try my best to make her happy and continue with my mission to keep my mates son’s away from her.
Anyone else had any surprises in the first few months??